Classroom: Teens 03-30-07
03-30-07 Suzy from Lebanon
We need to be careful about hygiene here. When they wash their hands we need to be careful that their really washing. Something else about this age is that they see the grass greener in other people’s homes. So maybe they like another home better because the rules are less strict. So they say, “I hate this house and this family. I don’t like the rules.” Sometimes they talk about running away.
God’s grace is really evident in these years because in every teenage age we go back into the previous stages and relive them again. In the teenage years, social skillfulness is the main focus. Their main relationships are their friends so they need to learn how to deal with their friends and solve the social problem. So their friendships are on the top priority – everything else takes second place, especially jobs and studying. This is normal because God meant it that at these ages they would learn about social skillfulness. So by their later teenage years they should have integrated very good social skills: feeling, thinking, doing in relationships. Teenage years are a bridge between childhood and adulthood. Many people have a negative view about teenagers and they say, “wait until your kids become teenagers.” I don’t like it when people tell me that. I’m really looking forward to it when my kids become teenagers.
A trap that some parents fall into is that they treat kids according to how some of them look on the inside. They get big and tall with facial hair, but they are very much still children on the inside. We should not expect them to act like adults – we should still keep the limits and protections during this age. So if parents made a lot of mistakes at this age when they were younger, we can make redemption in the coming teenage years – it’s as if God knew that parents would make a lot of mistakes and He gives them time to make up for that in the coming teenage years. They revisit each stage of development.
12: 0-6 months
13: 6-18 months
14: 2 yrs
15: 3-6 yrs
It’s not exactly the same as childhood times, God made it a little bit more creative. So He threw in puberty time – just to make it more interesting and exciting. They need lots of parenting and guidance, as I said, and some parents think, “but I don’t know what mistakes I made before so I don’t know what to deal with.” And I say don’t worry because they know and they will tell you; they will feel it and tell you. It will come out.
Their bodies are changing very quickly and growing very quickly, here, and that makes them feel very strange – weird. They feel really awkward about themselves. Lots of negative thoughts about themselves. This is not a good time for them to stand and speak in public, things like that, because their voice is changing. Sometimes we look at them and we need to speak by faith, not by sight. They don’t need their parents to be their friends, here, because they already have lots of friends. What they need is strong, good parenting. If we mother and father them right way in these adult stages – later we will be their friends. So parents need to be an anchor in these stormy times.
At thirteen they like to explore and discover again. Maybe drugs, and alcohol. At this time parents need to be very aware of where they are and who their friends are. Parents should not let them be gone past 9 or 10:00. So after this time when the shops are closing and the movie theaters are closing, it’s not very safe for them to be out. You don’t want your kids to hang out at night with the kind of people that are out at night.
Around this age, teenagers like to be messy again. They like it like that. Parents tend to go in the room and clean it up for them – but who should be cleaning the room? If we do it for them, we keep them dependant. This is not a good thing.
This is a time when they are very self conscious and aware of their faults. From 6-12, they don’t care what they look like or what they’re wearing; but as soon as they’re 12 or 13 they’re very self conscious. If they see a zit on their face they are very aware.
At age fifteen they like to be stimulated. They like to feel good – to get an experience with their senses, so they watch scary movies and play on roller blades. So we need to put limit on these things. By giving them limits, we limit the opportunity for them to sin. If we’re going to let them stay at somebody’s house, it’s good for us to know these people and know that they’re not bad people. A lot of times, families like to give a good impression on the outside, but on the inside things aren’t so good.
If, at 15, they are saying no to everything, the parent should choose which battles are important and what not to give in on – and they should choose which things are not as important that they can let the child do thing their own way.
Parents need to learn not to imitate their kids in behavior, screaming and yelling. They need to learn to deal with their anger. Think about the anger – do something to let the energy out and think. Don’t just let the anger go unrestrained.
We need to teach them again how to program their day, teach them to put important things first and less important things later.
Around 12, 13, 14 kids are very curious about sex so it’s very important to do certain things. It’s very good to talk about these things before the teenage years.
Okay, as I said before, it’s important to choose your battles. Take three things into consideration before I start battling with them. Is the issue eternally important or significant? Does it affect their salvation or relationship with God? If the answer is “no” I tend to give in. For example, my son wants to dye his hair. What do I do? Will it affect his relationship with God? No? Okay, then let him dye his hair. Some teenagers like to do this to be different. How much potential for harm is in this thing? Drugs can be very harmful, so I stand firm. A beach party after 10pm can be very harmful, so I stand firm. The third question is this: Is it a real value for me, what they’re arguing about? For example, they’re arguing on a Sunday morning because they don’t want to go to church. Okay, is that a value in our family? To go to church on Sunday morning? That’s a big value in our family. We are a Christian family and we go to church on Sunday.
At this age, kids are really trying and wanting to find what our real values are. That’s why they’re spending so much time to try and find out what is really important. When they find the families values, then they rest. That’s why they’re so offended when the parents are hypocrites, because they see it’s not a real value. If they see me laying my life down for the Lord, they will do the same. They really need something to live for and die for.
Their hormones are going crazy at 14. It’s very uncomfortable inside. They get grumpy – their bodies are changing and their feelings are all over the place. There are problems in relationships because of all these feelings. Life isn’t comfortable. Many times they clash with their parents – especially if their parents are not understanding. And the worst thing that happens is when people come to them and say, “what are you doing? These are the best years of your life.” And I remember – these are not the best years of your life. These are very hard times of growth.
Help them distinguish between thoughts and feelings. I “feel” it’s not right. Is that a thought or a feeling? That’s a thought. How do you feel about it? I feel it’s not right. No, that’s a thought. Okay, I feel angry. Good. Now you can approach a solution.
We need to be careful about hygiene here. When they wash their hands we need to be careful that their really washing. Something else about this age is that they see the grass greener in other people’s homes. So maybe they like another home better because the rules are less strict. So they say, “I hate this house and this family. I don’t like the rules.” Sometimes they talk about running away.
God’s grace is really evident in these years because in every teenage age we go back into the previous stages and relive them again. In the teenage years, social skillfulness is the main focus. Their main relationships are their friends so they need to learn how to deal with their friends and solve the social problem. So their friendships are on the top priority – everything else takes second place, especially jobs and studying. This is normal because God meant it that at these ages they would learn about social skillfulness. So by their later teenage years they should have integrated very good social skills: feeling, thinking, doing in relationships. Teenage years are a bridge between childhood and adulthood. Many people have a negative view about teenagers and they say, “wait until your kids become teenagers.” I don’t like it when people tell me that. I’m really looking forward to it when my kids become teenagers.
A trap that some parents fall into is that they treat kids according to how some of them look on the inside. They get big and tall with facial hair, but they are very much still children on the inside. We should not expect them to act like adults – we should still keep the limits and protections during this age. So if parents made a lot of mistakes at this age when they were younger, we can make redemption in the coming teenage years – it’s as if God knew that parents would make a lot of mistakes and He gives them time to make up for that in the coming teenage years. They revisit each stage of development.
12: 0-6 months
13: 6-18 months
14: 2 yrs
15: 3-6 yrs
It’s not exactly the same as childhood times, God made it a little bit more creative. So He threw in puberty time – just to make it more interesting and exciting. They need lots of parenting and guidance, as I said, and some parents think, “but I don’t know what mistakes I made before so I don’t know what to deal with.” And I say don’t worry because they know and they will tell you; they will feel it and tell you. It will come out.
Their bodies are changing very quickly and growing very quickly, here, and that makes them feel very strange – weird. They feel really awkward about themselves. Lots of negative thoughts about themselves. This is not a good time for them to stand and speak in public, things like that, because their voice is changing. Sometimes we look at them and we need to speak by faith, not by sight. They don’t need their parents to be their friends, here, because they already have lots of friends. What they need is strong, good parenting. If we mother and father them right way in these adult stages – later we will be their friends. So parents need to be an anchor in these stormy times.
At thirteen they like to explore and discover again. Maybe drugs, and alcohol. At this time parents need to be very aware of where they are and who their friends are. Parents should not let them be gone past 9 or 10:00. So after this time when the shops are closing and the movie theaters are closing, it’s not very safe for them to be out. You don’t want your kids to hang out at night with the kind of people that are out at night.
Around this age, teenagers like to be messy again. They like it like that. Parents tend to go in the room and clean it up for them – but who should be cleaning the room? If we do it for them, we keep them dependant. This is not a good thing.
This is a time when they are very self conscious and aware of their faults. From 6-12, they don’t care what they look like or what they’re wearing; but as soon as they’re 12 or 13 they’re very self conscious. If they see a zit on their face they are very aware.
At age fifteen they like to be stimulated. They like to feel good – to get an experience with their senses, so they watch scary movies and play on roller blades. So we need to put limit on these things. By giving them limits, we limit the opportunity for them to sin. If we’re going to let them stay at somebody’s house, it’s good for us to know these people and know that they’re not bad people. A lot of times, families like to give a good impression on the outside, but on the inside things aren’t so good.
If, at 15, they are saying no to everything, the parent should choose which battles are important and what not to give in on – and they should choose which things are not as important that they can let the child do thing their own way.
Parents need to learn not to imitate their kids in behavior, screaming and yelling. They need to learn to deal with their anger. Think about the anger – do something to let the energy out and think. Don’t just let the anger go unrestrained.
We need to teach them again how to program their day, teach them to put important things first and less important things later.
Around 12, 13, 14 kids are very curious about sex so it’s very important to do certain things. It’s very good to talk about these things before the teenage years.
Okay, as I said before, it’s important to choose your battles. Take three things into consideration before I start battling with them. Is the issue eternally important or significant? Does it affect their salvation or relationship with God? If the answer is “no” I tend to give in. For example, my son wants to dye his hair. What do I do? Will it affect his relationship with God? No? Okay, then let him dye his hair. Some teenagers like to do this to be different. How much potential for harm is in this thing? Drugs can be very harmful, so I stand firm. A beach party after 10pm can be very harmful, so I stand firm. The third question is this: Is it a real value for me, what they’re arguing about? For example, they’re arguing on a Sunday morning because they don’t want to go to church. Okay, is that a value in our family? To go to church on Sunday morning? That’s a big value in our family. We are a Christian family and we go to church on Sunday.
At this age, kids are really trying and wanting to find what our real values are. That’s why they’re spending so much time to try and find out what is really important. When they find the families values, then they rest. That’s why they’re so offended when the parents are hypocrites, because they see it’s not a real value. If they see me laying my life down for the Lord, they will do the same. They really need something to live for and die for.
Their hormones are going crazy at 14. It’s very uncomfortable inside. They get grumpy – their bodies are changing and their feelings are all over the place. There are problems in relationships because of all these feelings. Life isn’t comfortable. Many times they clash with their parents – especially if their parents are not understanding. And the worst thing that happens is when people come to them and say, “what are you doing? These are the best years of your life.” And I remember – these are not the best years of your life. These are very hard times of growth.
Help them distinguish between thoughts and feelings. I “feel” it’s not right. Is that a thought or a feeling? That’s a thought. How do you feel about it? I feel it’s not right. No, that’s a thought. Okay, I feel angry. Good. Now you can approach a solution.
posted by CarbonChris at 9:08 AM
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